So it’s been a while and I’m really really sorry. I just sort of got lazy and couldn’t be bothered to write anything worthwhile. I did try though - promise. But here I am. I’m back, hopefully for a while to help you guys out a little bit. 

SO, as you can tell from the title, this text post thingy will revolve around hooking up random person. By random, I mean someone that you’ve never met before. Literally someone that you met a few hours or even minutes before all of the fun stuff starts, not just that one guy that is in your school that you sometimes bump into by your locker. 

So, for some people this can be their hook up method of choice, because it’s easy, they know nothing about you, if it’s a bad hook up then it’s okay because you may never see them again, which could be great! 

Scenario: 

You’re at a party, you’re with a few friends, just dancing, drinking, having a fun time and all of a sudden this stranger catches your eye and you think “Yes. It’s happening”

Yes, that is the right attitude, keep going! If you think that Mr/Ms Sex Bomb over there is going to do all of the work, then you’ve got another thing coming. Now is not the time to be a pussy, even if you have one.

GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF

Alternatively, gather some wingmen and wingwomen and go say hi. Small talk, drunk talk, whatever. But be sure to say your name. Add in some flirting, if you know how to flirt. Smile, make eye contact, touch them a little bit. Let them know that you are keen. Make the first move.

“Do you want to go somewhere quiet?” 

Great! Carry on. 

Take him/her by their hand and lead them to either a room or a little dark patch somewhere near the party

Get comfortable, engage on some more random small talk, remind Mr/Ms Sex Bomb that you want to (almost) get inside of them. 

Way leads onto way and you find that you can’t take it anymore. It’s time for that kiss.

Keep calm, remember, it’s only awkward if you want it to be. Pull in. Enjoy your lips touching. Play some tongue hockey or whatever. Do other fun stuff. 

If you’re not comfortable doing something STOP. 

Seriously. Sex Bomb over her should respect that, because you’re doing them a favour too. When they go tell their friends about you, they will make you seem like the best thing that’s ever happened to them. Otherwise they are a cunt. 

Say goodbye, lie and tell them that you had a great time and would love to see them soon.

That’s all for now, hope you enjoyed that and learned some valuable lessons and stuff. 

#kisses

Hands. Fingers. Nails. Hands. 

Hands are pretty fucking weird if you think about it… You use them for everything, eating, texting, masturbating, wiping your ass… You get the drift. Why would people want to hold your hand and visa versa? 

Because love. Love. That weird word that is used way too often for all the wrong reasons; but that’s for another time. 

Holding hands is a show of affection. How you hold them. When you hold them. How long you hold them for. Who lets go first. Why they let go. Hectic issues. 

Now, of course the most romantic, public display of affection is holding your partners hand. Fingers intertwined, gentle squeezing and rubbing. it is also the most pleasant thing to see and the most jealousy-inducing one. 

I can’t tell you how to hold somebody’s hand, and when you should do it or what it means if they do it under the table at a restaurant; but I can tell you that it is bloody cute to see. 

I can, however, make separate posts about hand-holding issues. The “I want to hold his hand, but I don’t know if he wants to hold mine” issue; that will be the next post that I tackle.

#kisses

So, for those of you who have had their first kiss already, you can give this post a miss.

But for those of you who haven’t, brace yourselves for the worst experience of your life. 

When you think about it, kissing is kind of weird. Who were the first people to think of kissing?

For those of you who want their first kiss to be special, good for you, good luck and have fun. For those of you who are keen to just get it over and done with, good for you too. It’s all about what works for you.

Don’t be stupid and practice with your hand because that doesn’t help. At all. 

Now, the art of pulling in is not easily perfected. You have to be certain that your partner wants to be kissed by you, because nobody likes being rejected. Fact. If your partner pulls in first, Great! Good for you, that’s half of the panic done. But if you are feeling like a badass and you want to pull in first, good. It’s not as hard as I’m making it seem, all you have to do, is slowly move your face nearer to your partners, hopefully they will get the hint and meet you half way. 

Now for the tricky part. What the fuck do you do now that your lips are touching?! Whatever you do, DO NOT PANIC. Don’t be a diphole. Just go with it. Follow the person that you’re kissing, that way you’ll know what they want. 

But, don’t worry, just have fun with it, play around. Do crazy shit with your tongue :P

On a more important note, between the tongue battles and the spit swapping, what are you supposed to think about? Maybe I was weird, because I wasn’t really thinking about much, yet I was thinking about everything. Don’t think about something that will make you laugh. Just think about the person that you are kissing. That’s all, but don’t let me tell you what to do or not to do. 

#kisses

So I’ve decided that I’d dedicate this blog to giving people advice with regards to love life, and awkward situations. I don’t have much experience, but nor do some of you, so we’ll learn together. 

Feel free to submit whatever you want, anon, not anon, whichever works for you. 

Hope this, I dunno, helps?

#kisses

Turns out, I have no skills in the hooking up category. I don’t know how to start, I don’t know how to lure them in, I don’t know when to pull in, I don’t know what to do afterwards. 

My last hook-up was dreadful and now I’m too scared to hook up with someone else #lame

Any pointers for me?

Why are there ads all over tumblr? It’s stupid and annoying as hell. Fuck off love calculator, nobody loves me anyway I don’t need you to tell me that.

blood-daisy:

my mom said i couldn’t have a cookie cake for my birthday so i stole all of her towels

this kid.